I'm so tired......

I'm so tired of pretending that everything is just fine, and then crying myself to sleep at night. I'm so tired of seeing all sorts of happy people in love and feeling like I'll never get the chance. I'm so tired of hearing people tell me to be patient and it'll happen when I least expect it and there's someone out there for me. I'm so tired of trying to be strong when all I want to do is crawl under a rock and cry. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure because I've failed at marriage (I had to do something to make him want out, right?) and at so many relationships (what's wrong with me?). I'm so tired of getting the "pitty" looks because I'm a single mom. I'm so tired of dreaming of finding love but truly feeling like it will never happen. I'm so tired of being alone during the holidays........

Do I have "screw me over" written on my forehead?

Ever feel like you have something written on your head that only others can see? That's how I've felt lately. I was dating a guy at the end of the summer-I believe I did a post about him-and he promised not to leave me, especially for this girl from our past.....and yet, he did. Boy was I hurt. Of all the guys, I never thought he would hurt me like that again! Then in November, I decide to enter the dating world again and started dating this guy, who I thought was the perfect guy for me. We had both been screwed over so much in the past. We had both been hurt so much by others, that I really never saw it coming when he told me he was still in love with his ex. My blood began to boil and I basically went off on him, telling him that she wasn't here-I was! He took a few days and decided that he wanted to continue to date me and that he wasn't going to let her stop him from the chance of finding love again. Yet a week and a half later he tells me that he isn't sure he wants to be with me because he still is in love with her. Seriously?!?! It seems like every relationship from my past has ended in similar ways, where I get walked all over. My ex-husband just decided he didn't want to be married or have a family anymore (of course I come to find out that he had an affair with an 18 year old). My ex-fiance and I split after I discovered he was talking to an ex-girlfriend and making plans to see her (tho he said that's not cheating). And the list goes on and on..... So, I am wondering am I ever going to find happiness or is it always going to end in me being used and abused?

Ugh, the holidays

I love Christmas! I love the joy in the atmosphere. I love the excited faces of my children on Christmas morning. I love the lights and all the decorations. What I don't like is being alone. To me, Christmas is more romantic then Valentine's Day. Having my kids to spend it with is great. And putting toys together with my dad is something I will always treasure. But there's just something about not having that special someone to curl up with during this time of year. And I'm not just meaning on New Year's Eve, tho that is always tough too (the last 2 years I think I was in bed by 10 tho!). I'm talking about Christmas itself and all the festivities leading up to it. You know, all the parties, the events, the shopping.......ugh. Maybe next year will be different.